I really, really wish I'd gotten to see Monster House on the big screen, because it really would have seriously kicked ass.



This movie is like the weirdest kid's book ever written by Stephen King was made into animated feature, but it also has some great scenes of kid logic and oddball humor. A young boy becomes convinced that the house across the street from him is not merely huanted, but an actual monster that eats people; at first no one believes him, but eventually his chubby best friend and a cute Girl Scout selling cookies door to door are convinced, and the three of them are determined to defeat the evil house or die trying.



I mention Mr King becuase there are echoes of several of his works in this; Stand By Me, It, Needful Things and Seasons of the Werewolf all come to mind at different times. There are a few scenes in this that are genuinely creepy; my favorite involves a drunken teenager seeing his old red kite, eerily glowing as it bobs and dips inside the jet black doorway into the house, practically calling his name as he blearily stumbles towards it. I get a little shiver even thinking about it.



I don't want to give too much away, but I will say that this one is much darker than you'd expect, and may well give little ones nightmares; if you watch until the end of the credits, there is some family-friendly resolution (which I like to pretend doesn't happend ), but the overall effect is still powerful.



9/10 Grims!

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I know people have posted below, but it just looks weird to not have the review at the actual top of the thread, so forgive the non-linear format



This was one of those movies that's a blast to see, becuase how can you not have low expectations? It's a Disney live action film, Kelly Preston is in it, the box is all in primary colors, etc. To me, this is fun incarnate, and rather than do a coherent review, I will go over my favorite points:



1. Bruce Campbell as Coach Boomer. This is a man who knows how to work a supporting role. Somehow beleiveable as a gym teacher with superpowers, and has some great lines. My favorite: "What if I told you it was her evil twin?"



2. Kids in the Hall in the House of Mouse! Dave Foley and Kevin MacDonald as over-the-top teachers.



3. Cute as hell redhead with plant control powers



4. Cute as hell Asian psuedo-Goth girl.



5. Great fun cheap CGI



6. Wirework and kids doing their own stunts in a Disney film.



7. Every word that comes out of Kurt Russell's mouth; I love this man.



Ok, due to crazy workload the last few weeks (annual enrollment time is not fun if you work in the benefits industry), this is as much as my sludge-like brain can currently muster - my review of NBC's Chuck is better, but it's waiting on my PC at home.

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I can't hold back any longer.

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This film was one of those curious train wrecks that you can't turn off, even when overcome by mini throw-ups and the general awkwardness that can cause distance between spouses and even pets. I Netflixed this because I have found the series to be GREAT on occasion, generally pretty funny, and at the very least irreverent. Unfortunately, like many similar attempts at adapting material of a somewhat subtle or challenging nature for a new, more mainstream medium, they went too broad.



Lieutenant Dangle is ridiculously caricatured here, so completely over-the-top closeted that the joke really isn't funny anymore. Though, he IS put in a few circumstances I liked, including being cornered into performing freakish sex acts for a lovelorn and desperate partner that will possibly surprise you, or his kind of depressing interaction with the Aspen PD who, we learn, not only rejected his application, but mocked it at the station for months.



Most of the rest of the cast are playing slightly more irritating and less subtle versions of their personas on the show, though Carlos is extended a little far and made curiously creepy, and Kimbal, Wiegel and Clementine Johnson actually each benefit from a little extra screen time, the former freaking me out in a thong leotard that doesn't fit her girth, the middle wielding weaponry and vehicles with awkward, deadly aplomb (and owns the sex scene with Dangle) and the latter in a surprisingly interesting sub-plot trying to chase down the identity of the mystery man she met, binged with, tattooed on her breast, and now wants to marry (hint: not from Miami.) My favorite member of the team, Junior, is exactly right... crashing the squad car and generally trying to do right. The scenes with Nick Swardson (Grandma's Boy) as the flamboyant rollerderby prostitute are my favorites, just like in the show, and there's some interesting scenes here, such as a guy that drunkenly dives into his pool to retrieve a dead alligator that turns out not to be dead, or the Rock as a macho action cop who grenades his own self, that really did make me laugh. However, Paul Rudd, echoing Scarface, is rather underused, and in general, the plot premise (the entire police presence at the convention in Miami is felled by a toxin terrorist attack, leaving the Reno crew in charge, befuddled by the 911 system and all the fancy digs) is a fine starting point for comedic framework but isn't well-mined.



That all said, when it's wrong, it's VERY wrong. There are several REALLY awkward and unpleasant scenes that don't illicit the nervous laughter of say the BBC Office, but rather just make you feel kind of uncomfortable. And there are so many missed opportunities, I grew frustrated as the film wore on. But it gets higher marks than you might expect, just because I appreciate the challenge of making a movie out of this material, and overall, they tried. Just expect to use that Fast Forward. I wish I had.



4/10 Clicks

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Am I the only person who thinks that THISis wrong? Now stay with me here ... you spend all your money buying a house in a nice, quiet neighborhood ... only to intentionally re-integrate the sound that you were so desperately trying to escape?? Dude. Seriously? Move to my neighborhood, I got white noise, black noise, red noise -- I got noise to SPARE!



Effin thing.

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I smell brand dilution... it's also odd given that Office is a critical darling but not a big ratings hit... and we saw where that got Arrested Development...



http://community.tvguide.com/blog-entry ... /800025959

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It's this sort of thing we'll look back on with regret. Or, the robots will. While using our bones for tools...



http://www.therawfeed.com/2007/10/polic ... ne-of.html

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I really can't say much about it...

http://www.enlighted.com/pages/bras.shtml







...not that I so totally wouldn't wear one if I had it.

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Ass.



0/10 CLANKS!

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Feeling much less hung over, and almost ready to start my day. Ahhh, right at the crack of 4. Hahaha!!!



But before I do -- "Death Proof!"



This one had lots of good about it, but my greatest disappointment was that it didn't fit into the concept as well as "Planet Terror" did. The Grindhouse concept, that is. It started off well, but got WAY too polished as it went on. In fact, there's a very distinct moment where the movie is actually in black-and-white for a while and then when it pops back over to color? You're watchin a modern film. No more stutters, no dirt and scratches on it, no melted bits -- it was kind of taken seriously. (In actuality, I can almost see the differences in the two films being a reason for packaging them separately on initial DVD release.) Even so, though, there were SOME moments where it did seem that you were in the same Grindhouse where you just watched "Planet Terror," the best of which, in my mind, was the opening sequence where they showed the original title of the film, "Quentin Tarantino's Thunder Bolt" for only a second and then dropped in a black screen with the above, simple block-letter "DEATH PROOF" title.







Also, let's touch real quick on "Missing Reels." From what I've read online, the "Missing Reels" from the theatrical release were re-inserted for the DVD release. Thus, I believe the one from "Planet Terror" to be only one of what was potentially more when viewed in the theaters. And "Death Proof" had none. I REALLY fucking hope they come out with the theatrical release of this movie some time.



Now that said, the movie had what I've loved about all QT movies with the exception of "Kill Bill" -- EXCEPTIONAL dialogue. This movie is super dialogue heavy, littered with the gems that Tarantino has always been so good about. And I loved that.



It also had some crossover characters from "Planet Terror," which was fucking hip. Rose McGowan starred in both movies, but there were actual CHARACTERS that were duplicated in this one -- a sherrif and a doctor. That was awesome. Not to mention the doctor's very R3-approved scene...







The movie is about a guy, "Stuntman Mike" (Kurt Russel -- fucking AWESOME performance), who's converted his car into a killing machine. Rather, he's tricked it out to be super safe so that he can smash people to bits in it, or with it, and not be harmed. He has two cars in the movie, and the first one is definitely the real deal. The second one just seems to be something almost thrown together. But whatever, it's a cool concept.



In the first half, he tracks and kills a group of grrls in Texas. Included in this group is Vanessa Ferlito (CSI:NY), who has a lapdance scene which is sexy as fuck, but which also hammers home another QT brilliance. Vanessa Ferlito's body is "normal." Tarantino is really good, I think, about using lots of characters that are plain, or even downright dumpy. I think "Reservoir Dogs" and "Pulp Fiction" are good examples of this. "Kill Bill" is not at all. It should also be noted that Ferlito is wearing a rad 70's ringer tee which says "San Francisco" in the shape of the Golden Gate Bridge. Points!







After that, the movie enters it's second half, in which he tracks a new group of grrls, this one including superfuckinghot Rosario Dawson, and, playing herself, Zoe Bell, who was the stuntwoman for Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill." The reason I bring it up is that this group of grrls is involved in film. One's a stunt driver, one's an actress, one's a makeup artist, and Zoe Bell is, obviously, a stuntwoman. That comes into play later, and it's fucking sweet cause the camera can get in on her face as she flies all around on the hood of a car and you can tell it's really her.



Where the first half of the film establishes Stuntman Mike as this deadly antagonist persona, this second half would be the "payback" part of the story. I won't get into it too much, but there is a scene where Zoe Bell beats the fucking shit out of Stuntman Mike with a pipe and it's TOTALLY rad.



Anyway, lots of good fodder for foot fetishists throughout this movie. Plus, I mean ... babes and muscle cars!!



Over all, I have to give this a 7/10 CLANKS! I didn't like it as much as "Planet Terror," and it got off-concept in my mind, but it was cool as fuck, and I'll definitely give it another watch some time.

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